wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
