My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
