Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
