Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
