Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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