But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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