if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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