She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
