She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
