My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
