I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
