i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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