Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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