she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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