is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
