paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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