note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
