I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize