Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
