my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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