Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.