I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.