my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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