I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
