How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
