I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
