he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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