Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
