At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
