No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
