checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
