why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
