It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
