I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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