I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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