also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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