$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
