New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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