She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
