hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
