I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
