I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
