That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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