Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
