My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
