Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
