Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
