I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think your dad took our porno
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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