i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
