the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
