I wish I only lived at night.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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