u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
