i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
