I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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