So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
