I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
