I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
