I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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