When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
40s are totally the cure
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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